Neither Here Nor There

    i always think wanna be alone. not alone as if i'm alone, but to live in a whole new place like London, where no one knows me, so that i could build a new life with new friends and to stay as a child forever. there is a place, kan..called Neverland. this issue had been forever on me. that place dont exist. if Peter Pan is beside me, i'd love to runaway to his island.

    being a kid alone is gonna be hard to survive. you cant work, you are underage. but you have to earn for living. but being adult needs you to have lots of responsibilities. make one mistake and you are done. boy, adults has lots of negative things going on. i wish i wont grow into one : (

     so im thinking of being at the age of 18, BUT, 18 seems too innocent. err, i mean like, the are half young and half adult, and going to be adult. it is a critical age.. cuz 18 is no longer under juvenile, and still confuse of how to be a good adult. owwhhhh (sigh) chuck away that idea.

     i am a very good time-waster. wasting time is my expertise. incentive works no more on me. that is bad, and is the hardest thing that i could ever scrape off. meanwhile, discipline? the hardest thing to plant within me.

    entahla. somehow i need to admit that Neverland didnt exist. and im getting old anyway. a good friend make me realize. high pressure will make me get on my feet, but im afraid i might get a hypertension too.

    life is confusing. kekadang i'm so sad, i prayed so hard that i cried hard too. m always sad. moody cuz i am sad. dont ask me why im sad, i think im sick. i need a rehab. sesape, campakla aku kat situ. cuz i always felt like i could stand no more. nak buat tu tak boleh, buat ni tak boleh. nak bunuh diri,jangan. nak lari pun jangan. berdosa.

    Sungguh, if we look deeper, think deeper, there must be a way to solve any problems. kenapa berdosa? mesti ade hikmahnya. ade kebaikannya. kita kena cari. sebab kebaikan tak datang bergolek tanpa usaha.
lebat aku cakap.




* i miss talking to Sam, but that person is too busy. i felt like im only disturbing. i wish i have the guts to talk face to face.

** i wish i have a very good friend who is willing to stand beside me, support me, and guide me, morally or physically. i strayed away easily. :' (